Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. The impact suicide has had on my life over the last few years has been dramatic, confusing, gut-wrenching, enduring, and outright horror. I am compelled to write about it today of all days. My understanding of suicide has shifted from vague awareness to deeper engagement of its reverberance, through that lived experience.
The sad reality is that suicide is part of human life. It always has been. In a search of sustenance whilst grieving, I looked at Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations on the subject. It was not pretty reading – whilst warning against its common form, it looked upon suicide as a noble act in certain ways (1). I’m not here to debate philosophy but that felt cruel, a distinctly insensitive theoretic analysis that’s ill-placed in modern living. I should have reminded myself at the time that Stoics weren’t known for their prioritisation of feelings, but that’s a gripe I’d have to debate on another day. In more modern times the taboo nature of suicide has prevented serious understanding on a widespread basis, in how to cope with having suicidal thoughts or surviving with the aftermath of a loved one taking their own life. It continues to be part of life. We need to accept that and in doing so break down barriers to make it less taboo and easier to talk about in the process. Breaking that barrier ultimately helps people, and in turn prevents suicides. The conversation and education around it needs to change, to better ourselves and to help others.
To paint the picture, we must understand the unavoidable facts. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of forty-five (2). Three-quarters of suicides registered in 2022 were males (4,179 deaths at 74.1%), which is the equivalent of 16.4 deaths per 100,000 being down to men taking their own life (3). Suicide isn’t exclusive to men. It is not aware of gender. However, it is more common due to many factors including, men being less likely to communicate their problems, an unwillingness to admit their vulnerabilities, less likely to seek help, self-medication (including substance abuse, which can push intrusive thoughts further), and men are more likely to act in more violent ways than their female counterparts. I mourn the loss for each suicide regardless of gender, but I am more comfortable talking about the male experience as I am a male and the friend I lost, James, was also male.
Grief is unbearable in and of itself. The lens in which you experience it can vary, often dictated by the circumstance. Grief through suicide is a difficult notion. I learnt that, whilst all grief is unique, showing the nature of your relationship with the passed and their own personality or expression of life to that point, the aspect of suicide makes it even harder to grasp. I found in my case that there will be unanswered questions. Unanswered forever. The person in which can provide clarity and answers, took them with them. Now, perhaps it’s in the human condition to have to know why, that makes that so difficult, and I’m no different in this case. I’ve always wanted to understand things to help me process and move on, but in what seems to be the biggest thing in my life I need understanding for, it’s poignant that I’ll never know. The irony being that one of James’ endearing qualities was curiosity and asking questions on things, so he himself could achieve understanding. Perhaps having those questions unresolved in life, resulted in his difficulty to cope. Perhaps I can find a day when I no longer need to understand the why or have redundant questions that will never be answered, to help me fully come to peace with this all. In truth, I’m not there yet.
Another aspect of grief through suicide, is that nagging wonder if there is something I could have done to help him further or even prevent it happening. This is an unforgiving thought tunnel, where the imagination of the mind does not help you. You spin illogical examples, scenarios, retrospective solutions, in a headspace that isn’t real. It’s too late. To help with this, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll also never know how many times I did help him. I’m sure there were bad moments when, along with our friendship group, we helped him to a better place. We have to accept that alongside the pain of ‘what if?’. It’s a healthier place to be for me now.
In lots of deaths, the loved ones of the deceased have no preparation for it. That’s difficult. No mind is prepared, and I’m sure that’s even the case for when someone knows they are going to die through a terminal illness. That may help some. It may not others. In my case, I simply was not expecting it. Why should I? Death doesn’t work like that. It’s no different to if he died in an accident. My point is that, whilst that’s all true, and you can logically understand that, you still go through the experience regardless. I wasn’t prepared for it. I’m still not sure if I am now when those pangs of grief hit two-and-a-half-years-later. It’s a cruel ingredient in a recipe of dismay. I have no insightful resolve for this element of grief, but I felt compelled to point it out nonetheless.
In an act of honesty, I must confess that in the time since James’ death, in a difficult couple of years, the thought of suicide had crossed my own mind. It’s an important clarification to add that it was a thought in as being an ‘option’ when I felt in need. I felt alone and with little options. Thankfully, although it presented itself as an option more than once, I quickly came to the conclusion of dismissing it each time. I did not dwell further on them and nor did I explore them further. Thankfully, I seem to have left those thoughts behind. Why am I saying this? I wanted to present the fact that having it as a thought, doesn’t mean you will act on it. It’s an intrusive thought. These are real and they exist. An important distinction to make is that if you have an intrusive thought, it does not make it real. It is just a thought. They are more common than you realise. So, if you are reading this and you have intrusive, or even suicidal, thoughts, just realise that you aren’t alone in this and that you do not need to act on these. Speak to someone about them. Do not hold on to them yourself. Speaking with a professional about these thoughts and bringing yourself closer to others helps. I’m thankful that was the case in my experience and those thoughts are long behind me.
Speaking is the operative behaviour that this year’s Suicide Prevention Day is encouraging. The ambition is to change the narrative around speaking about suicide. It’s time to ‘Start the Conversation’. So, if you feel like you need to, reach out to someone to do just that. I hope my honesty in this piece of writing helps people in doing so. If you don’t have suicidal thoughts, be the one that listens. But truly listen. Don’t ask if someone is ok for the sake of it a couple of times. Make them comfortable and give them time and space to speak. A sympathetic ear is one that fully engages and considers what is being said and doesn’t try to provide a solution. There are trained professionals out there that can, so don’t do their job for them or add your own emotion in the conversation, as that makes it even harder for the person speaking. Just be there.
Shout is there at the end of a text message should you want independent, immediate support. Just text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258.
It’s an important day. Harrowing and sobering, but equally important. It’s a time to remember those we’ve lost. It’s also a time to open up conversations to receive or give help. Let’s understand that suicide is a harsh reality of life. So should speaking about it openly.
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